Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I am.

I don't typically consider myself a bubbly, happy, giddy person. Not that I am unhappy, just that I am more quiet about expressing myself and that doesn't exactly shout to the outside world that I am one of those people you call my sister. And maybe I don't consider myself a happy person because I am always compared to her. She is so bubbly that you can't help but think sunshine and smiles when you think Jaclyn.
I am more serious. I am more reserved. I think about things...over and over. I do not like to be the center of attention. I would rather be in the corner alone, then in the middle of a crowd. I am shy in groups. It takes awhile for me to be comfortable around new people. I overthink conversations and relationships. I remember the little things. Details matter. I am sensitve. And yet despite that I can be careless with words. Especially with people I love. I am VERY black and white. (According to my mother). Which often translates into judgement. It is something I have to consciously work on. I know what I believe. In all situations. I have a hard time when people disagree with me. I hardly ever waiver in my decisions. I am not a confident person. I embarass easily. I am quiet about the things that really matter to me. As if I do not want to truly expose who I am. I do not like being vulnerable. Yet, I am not afraid to tell you how I feel about you. I am impatient. I like things done a certain way. My way. I am independent. I am clean. I do not understand laziness and do not have much tolerance for it. I respect people that know what they're doing and do it. Make things happen.
I have changed a lot in the last few years. Being in a different state from my sister (and family) has helped me realize who I am. Instead of who I am in relation to them. In recent months I have achieved peace. I know what I am doing with my life. I do not know what the future holds. What I will do, where I will live, who I will marry, who I will stay in touch with, who I will be friends with. But I know who I am. I know I am following God's plan. I am finally at peace with the uncertainty the future holds. It will happen. It will be wonderful. I will shape into the person I am meant to be. It is amazing what peace does. I am a happy person.

1 comment:

  1. Yes, I am still very proud to be your mother! What a joy to know that my constant prayers for you intentionally since you started Kindergarten, on a weekly basis with other moms, has contributed to your strong faith, confidence that you don't realize and peace - the knowledge that you have freedom to trust who God is and His plan for your life. A little different post than you made just 10 days ago or so when you were battling just letting go...

    Love you!


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