Its been 3 weeks...

...since I planted all those living green things in my yard. I just thought you all should know that they are ALL still alive! My pumpkin has 2 huge flowers, the pepper plant has about 10 buds! And even the zinnia & strawberry are starting to flower :) Yay! But most importantly, though it may have had a really rough first day, the hydrangea is doing great! The Monday after I planted it was the hottest day of the year and I went home from work to find a very dry, droopy, burnt plant. It was quite tragic. However, with a little love and LOTS of water it is looking beautiful again! And has many new blooms, each with lots of gorgeous flowers! And of course the resilient palm is doing fine - I try and give it the minimal attention it requested! Also, Stephanie received a pink hydrangea from one of her students on the last day of school so we now have two! Hers isn't blooming yet, but we'll get it there :) I have to say...even though I've always hated gardening and anytype of yard work, I am really enjoying these plants! And even mowing the lawn and killing/pulling the weeds. One other new thing I've discovered about myself, now that I'm a home owner!

Roommates

I've never really been one to enjoy living with other people...I've typically had roommates that were just that, roommates. I've lived with friends a few months at a time and cousins at times as well, but nothing long term. Until May 11th I had never lived with people that were also my best friends, people that I also spent the majority of my time with. Let me tell you, it is completely different then living with people. It's so much fun. I love it. It's so nice not to have to go anywhere to see them, and its fun to work together around the house...it makes cooking and cleaning so much better when you're doing it with your best friend. It's fun to go home knowing that I'll also be going home to my best friends! I've spent more time at home in the last 3 weeks then I have in a long time...and I feel like I have so much more time! It's crazy how much time I spent driving back and forth visiting them in Nampa or hanging out at their place, just to be with them, but not able to accomplish anything at home. Now, I can do stuff that needs to be done at home, and be with them at the same time. It's great. Its nice to know that we'll have dinner together and come up with something to do afterwards, even if its just sitting around together or taking a walk around the neighborhood...I feel so much more like I'm home. Its like living with family, rather than living with 'people'. I am truly blessed to have these girls in my life, to be home.

Growing...

If you know me very well, this next post may surprise you...but I assure you, it is true!

Well maybe it started with two gifts I received for graduation, or maybe knowing that my roommate loves doing this stuff...or maybe just some extra time on Sunday afternoon spent at Home Depot. No matter why or how I was inspired, it did happen.

Last weekend I received a red pepper plant from a lady I work with and I have to say I think that's pretty cool! I love peppers, and its in a cool pot on my front 'porch'. I am just nervous that it will actually grow peppers :)

And James brought me a sago palm, which right on the tag says "wants minimal attention" and he circled the "resilient" description...lol. He knows me too well! However he loves plants and can somehow make anything grow and bloom, all the time! I'm still not sure how he does it. Needless to say he assured me I can't kill this one, and if I do, our friendship will die as well :) Well James, I'm going to TRY to keep it alive!

So with the thought that I already have 2 plants to take care of maybe a few more wouldn't be so bad :) Erika helped me pick some out yesterday and we planted them in my front yard. A strawberry plant and a tomato plant along the side. Cilantro, parsley & oregano in a pot on the porch...and then a gorgeous purple (Glory blue...but I swear its purple) hydrangea. It's so pretty...it better not die! Good thing Jessie comes back this weekend :)

I'll take a picture of it tonight...but this is pretty much what it looks like...it has two blooms and 3 new ones starting.

Coping

I believe, no matter how conciously or not, there is a part of my emotions that can be easily flipped on and off...depending on circumstances around me. However, I don't seem to realize that until after the fact, making me believe that it is something my mind uses as a coping/defensive mechanism. Which I suppose, at times, makes a lot of sense and can be really helpful. But it also makes me feel guilty. And it really only postpones the hurt, it doesn't solve the problem.
I think when I know that something is changing, or something in my life has the potential to cause me a lot of pain, my mind reacts by "not caring". I make myself belive that I DON'T care! That it doesn't matter to me what happens, or how I'm treated, or even how I treat them. I fool myself into believing that it really doesn't affect me.
There are cicrumstances in my life right now, that if I took the time and energy to truly analyze and invest feelings, I would realize how much it hurts. And how much I just want to cry everytime I think about it. But instead, through no intent on my part, I am able to go on as if life is normal and she isn't hurting me with every choice she makes. But rather then accept that and explain to her that she is killing me inside, I just put on a front of not caring, at all. I don't care what she does. I don't care how she chooses to betray herself, and her friends. And in response to that I'm sure I come across, to her, as not caring about her. Because I know better then to think that I truly handle myself around her the same as I used to. Even if I say its okay, and pretend like we're fine. It's not okay. And we're not fine. But I don't know how to deal with it, and a part of me believes this is just the course life is supposed to take and so I need to grow up and accept that. It isn't the first time, and it won't be the last...life is meant to change. I lived through the last one...and actually have a fairly decent relationship with her today. However, it will never again be anything like it was BEFORE. Because really, no matter how much I tried to convince myself I didn't care, it HURT. And I will probably never fully trust either girl again. You just don't recover from that kind of betrayal...that is unless both sides understand and accept the fact that there is something to be dealt with. And that it has changed, and people have been battered in the process.
I'm tired of hurting, of feeling used, of being betrayed, being lied to...its easier to just pretend like I don't care. So no matter how disfunctional it is, I'm thankful for my mind's natural coping mechanism...at least for today.

More than 24 hours in a day?! Please!

It doesn't seem to matter what's going on, how much I have happening...it always seems to be crazy! Does it ever slow down? Its one thing after another after another...there is no end in sight! Is it normal for life to feel like it will never slow down? To continually wonder when there will be time to get caught up...when there will be time to sleep. I always thought once I finished school life wouldn't be so crazy, I wouldn't be so tired. But now that I've had 4 months with only a job (and a side job) I still don't feel like I have any more time then I did before...or that I have time to catch up! Its one thing after another...does it ever stop?

loner

It frustrates me so much that there are so many people in this world that expect everyone to be the same...oh but yet they claim "we're all unique, each of you is your own person" and then minutes later turn around and treat them as if they are all just like them. Just because your an extrovert and love to be loud an obnoxious, doesn't mean that we're all like that.
I understand that there are processes, procedures and what not, that need to be followed when there is a group activity taking place. However, I also know...you might want to sit down for this...there are those teens that would rather not participate! I know its hard to believe, but some people would rather sit in a dark corner all alone, then out in the open with the rest of the world. You might say I'm dark and twisty, I don't know, but I don't see anything wrong with that. There are MANY times when I would give anything for a dark corner all to myself, and just as often I CHOOSE to stay home alone rather then go out with a group. It's just who I am. And that's okay. So forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think it is okay for the kid at youth group to sit in the corner alone, rather then participate. Sometimes us introverts just need that. I'm not saying its okay if it happens every week. But I am saying, don't treat them like outcasts. Don't treat them like they are in the wrong, like they've done some horrible thing by removing themselves from the group. Treat them like the adult they are becoming. Sure, make sure they're okay. But when they say they're FINE, take they're word for it. Don't belittle them and force them to do something they don't want. Let me tell you, that is not going to solve the problem. If there is even a problem in the first place...maybe forcing them to participate gives them a problem.

The past

It's Saturday afternoon...I'm sitting in a coffee shop watching one of my favorite shows online...and all I can think about is all these people passing by. Everyone is going somewhere, doing something, meeting someone and what am I? The world around me is moving, speeding by, time is going so fast...and me? what am I doing? How am I passing the time? There are so many things in life that are uncontrollable, but I have control over this...yet how am I using it? What of this will I remember for the rest of my life? How am I making an impact? On myself, on others, on the world? Everyone around me is getting ready to embark on their future...to move from this place and discover what time will hold. I want to know that these last four years of my life were working towards something more than a degree. I want my life to mean more than that. I want to remember all the fun I had, all the people I loved, all the experiences I had. And yet I can't even remember much of it now, how am I going to look back on it the rest of my life? There have been so many people in the last 4 years that have impacted my life in so many ways, and yet the ones that are no longer around...I seem to forget. I can't remember why they were important in my life, I can't remember the fun we used to have, or why it is that I don't talk to them anymore. I hate that. I hate that someone who once meant so much to me is now just a part of my past. I'm afraid, I'm afraid its going to happen all over again. Life changes, we move on, we make new friends...I get that. But can't it be a great memory? A reunion to look forward to? Why must it simply become part of the far off past...I want to be better...I do not want these people to become a part of my past. I want them to be a part of my present and my future. But I can already feel them slipping away....