I believe, no matter how conciously or not, there is a part of my emotions that can be easily flipped on and off...depending on circumstances around me. However, I don't seem to realize that until after the fact, making me believe that it is something my mind uses as a coping/defensive mechanism. Which I suppose, at times, makes a lot of sense and can be really helpful. But it also makes me feel guilty. And it really only postpones the hurt, it doesn't solve the problem.
I think when I know that something is changing, or something in my life has the potential to cause me a lot of pain, my mind reacts by "not caring". I make myself belive that I DON'T care! That it doesn't matter to me what happens, or how I'm treated, or even how I treat them. I fool myself into believing that it really doesn't affect me.
There are cicrumstances in my life right now, that if I took the time and energy to truly analyze and invest feelings, I would realize how much it hurts. And how much I just want to cry everytime I think about it. But instead, through no intent on my part, I am able to go on as if life is normal and she isn't hurting me with every choice she makes. But rather then accept that and explain to her that she is killing me inside, I just put on a front of not caring, at all. I don't care what she does. I don't care how she chooses to betray herself, and her friends. And in response to that I'm sure I come across, to her, as not caring about her. Because I know better then to think that I truly handle myself around her the same as I used to. Even if I say its okay, and pretend like we're fine. It's not okay. And we're not fine. But I don't know how to deal with it, and a part of me believes this is just the course life is supposed to take and so I need to grow up and accept that. It isn't the first time, and it won't be the last...life is meant to change. I lived through the last one...and actually have a fairly decent relationship with her today. However, it will never again be anything like it was BEFORE. Because really, no matter how much I tried to convince myself I didn't care, it HURT. And I will probably never fully trust either girl again. You just don't recover from that kind of betrayal...that is unless both sides understand and accept the fact that there is something to be dealt with. And that it has changed, and people have been battered in the process.
I'm tired of hurting, of feeling used, of being betrayed, being lied to...its easier to just pretend like I don't care. So no matter how disfunctional it is, I'm thankful for my mind's natural coping mechanism...at least for today.