Roommates

I've never really been one to enjoy living with other people...I've typically had roommates that were just that, roommates. I've lived with friends a few months at a time and cousins at times as well, but nothing long term. Until May 11th I had never lived with people that were also my best friends, people that I also spent the majority of my time with. Let me tell you, it is completely different then living with people. It's so much fun. I love it. It's so nice not to have to go anywhere to see them, and its fun to work together around the house...it makes cooking and cleaning so much better when you're doing it with your best friend. It's fun to go home knowing that I'll also be going home to my best friends! I've spent more time at home in the last 3 weeks then I have in a long time...and I feel like I have so much more time! It's crazy how much time I spent driving back and forth visiting them in Nampa or hanging out at their place, just to be with them, but not able to accomplish anything at home. Now, I can do stuff that needs to be done at home, and be with them at the same time. It's great. Its nice to know that we'll have dinner together and come up with something to do afterwards, even if its just sitting around together or taking a walk around the neighborhood...I feel so much more like I'm home. Its like living with family, rather than living with 'people'. I am truly blessed to have these girls in my life, to be home.

Growing...

If you know me very well, this next post may surprise you...but I assure you, it is true!

Well maybe it started with two gifts I received for graduation, or maybe knowing that my roommate loves doing this stuff...or maybe just some extra time on Sunday afternoon spent at Home Depot. No matter why or how I was inspired, it did happen.

Last weekend I received a red pepper plant from a lady I work with and I have to say I think that's pretty cool! I love peppers, and its in a cool pot on my front 'porch'. I am just nervous that it will actually grow peppers :)

And James brought me a sago palm, which right on the tag says "wants minimal attention" and he circled the "resilient" description...lol. He knows me too well! However he loves plants and can somehow make anything grow and bloom, all the time! I'm still not sure how he does it. Needless to say he assured me I can't kill this one, and if I do, our friendship will die as well :) Well James, I'm going to TRY to keep it alive!

So with the thought that I already have 2 plants to take care of maybe a few more wouldn't be so bad :) Erika helped me pick some out yesterday and we planted them in my front yard. A strawberry plant and a tomato plant along the side. Cilantro, parsley & oregano in a pot on the porch...and then a gorgeous purple (Glory blue...but I swear its purple) hydrangea. It's so pretty...it better not die! Good thing Jessie comes back this weekend :)

I'll take a picture of it tonight...but this is pretty much what it looks like...it has two blooms and 3 new ones starting.

Coping

I believe, no matter how conciously or not, there is a part of my emotions that can be easily flipped on and off...depending on circumstances around me. However, I don't seem to realize that until after the fact, making me believe that it is something my mind uses as a coping/defensive mechanism. Which I suppose, at times, makes a lot of sense and can be really helpful. But it also makes me feel guilty. And it really only postpones the hurt, it doesn't solve the problem.
I think when I know that something is changing, or something in my life has the potential to cause me a lot of pain, my mind reacts by "not caring". I make myself belive that I DON'T care! That it doesn't matter to me what happens, or how I'm treated, or even how I treat them. I fool myself into believing that it really doesn't affect me.
There are cicrumstances in my life right now, that if I took the time and energy to truly analyze and invest feelings, I would realize how much it hurts. And how much I just want to cry everytime I think about it. But instead, through no intent on my part, I am able to go on as if life is normal and she isn't hurting me with every choice she makes. But rather then accept that and explain to her that she is killing me inside, I just put on a front of not caring, at all. I don't care what she does. I don't care how she chooses to betray herself, and her friends. And in response to that I'm sure I come across, to her, as not caring about her. Because I know better then to think that I truly handle myself around her the same as I used to. Even if I say its okay, and pretend like we're fine. It's not okay. And we're not fine. But I don't know how to deal with it, and a part of me believes this is just the course life is supposed to take and so I need to grow up and accept that. It isn't the first time, and it won't be the last...life is meant to change. I lived through the last one...and actually have a fairly decent relationship with her today. However, it will never again be anything like it was BEFORE. Because really, no matter how much I tried to convince myself I didn't care, it HURT. And I will probably never fully trust either girl again. You just don't recover from that kind of betrayal...that is unless both sides understand and accept the fact that there is something to be dealt with. And that it has changed, and people have been battered in the process.
I'm tired of hurting, of feeling used, of being betrayed, being lied to...its easier to just pretend like I don't care. So no matter how disfunctional it is, I'm thankful for my mind's natural coping mechanism...at least for today.