Who I Am

There are times when I try and forget, try and pretend that its not true. Try and overcome myself in other ways...and sometimes I succeed, but only temporarily. There is really only one way, one method in which I can truly re-energize, re-motivate, re-new...to become 'myself' once again. Thursday night I was at the end of myself, I couldn't go any farther. As I drove to Nampa to visit a friend I spent my entire drive crying and praying. There was no way I was going to make it thru Friday without some divine intervention. It just wasn't going to happen. I had gone too long, tricked myself into thinking I could go 2 weeks without a moment at home, alone. Pretended I could spend two, four day weekends with hundreds of people and not feel the ramifications sometime during the weeks following. Add on top of that my grandma having a stroke last week and my great grandma finding out she has stage 4 ovarian cancer and I really didn't stand a chance.

I don't know that I have ever needed peace & quiet so much. Needed a day (or two) with absolutely NOTHING to do. As I poured out my frustration and exhaustion Thursday night (in prayer and to my friend) I had no idea when I would get the chance. But as He promises to do, He helped me make it thru Friday. And not only make it, but I actually had a better day at work Friday then I have in a long time. I was more than just happy Friday afternoon...I was light-hearted. And I miraculously ended up with the house completely to myself Saturday, very unusual. Why, after all these years, does it still surprise me that He cares enough to take care of something that minimal? It amazes me that He cares enough to make that difference in my life.

15 months

Wow, the last two weeks have been quite a ride. I spent last weekend with my moms side of the family and we shared a house with Kieth's family, meaning a 15 month old. In a place she's not used to, and with tons of people she's never met before, inlcuding lots of kids to play with, by Saturday night Holly was TIRED. So tired she couldn't sleep, couldn't do anything but cry. Its her only outlet...she can't express what she's feeling or thinking. Crying is the only way.

I internalize my feelings, very rarely expressing them outward, I just don't do that very well. However, they must come out eventually...Sunday morning I hit that point. Standing in my grandmas hospital room I couldn't do anything but cry. I was so tired: emotionally and physically. I didn't know why I was crying, couldn't explain myself. I was just that tired. Crying was the only way.

And I realized there are times when I am just like that 15 month old...with nothing to do, but cry.

wedding

Well I leave tomorrow for Ben & Katelyn's wedding in Wenatchee! Can't believe its here already! How has it been 6 months since she came to live with me? How can it be time for them to get married already? Crazy! So I tried my dress on last night...apparently the maid of honor has tried hers on like every week! I still had mine in the wrapping it came in when it arrived! Oops! Am I supposed to want to try it on all the time? haha. Well it still fits, so I guess thats all that matters! Dad says its supposed to be over 100 all weekend, so I am thankful she chose strapless, knee-length dresses! Hopefully we'll stand a chance...unlike the poor groomsmen in their full on tuxes!

Well she moved all her stuff out this week before they headed to Wenatchee, and now we've turned her room into an office! It still has lots of work, but it has already been painted! I know, I know! Nothing like painting within days of it being free ;) One wall is a sage/guacamole color, one wall is toffee crunch and the other two are havana dreams! Yes, dont' you wish you had the job of naming paint? I think that would be so fun! But anyways, it looks great! I love the colors together and can't wait to get it all set up! When I'm in Wenatchee this weekend, one of my moms friends has a drafting table she'd like to get rid of...so I believe I will get to bring that back with me! I am SO excited! I pulled out a few of my floor plans a couple weeks ago and have been itching to start some new ones....I am excited to have time to think about (and act on) that passion again! We'll see how it goes!

Something more

I need to write. I need to create something. I need to explore new possibilities. I need to challenge my mind. I need to experience something new. I need to get out of my comfort zone. I need to fulfill this desire inside me. I need to use my knowledge. I need to use my talents. I need to do something.

I love my job, I do. I am so thankful for it and the blessings it has brought to my life. I am thankful for the flexibility, for the openness and on some occasions for the lack of stress involved. However, being as it is, it no longer does anything for my "self-actualization" need...to use an over-used life model. Those basic needs of my life are met, over and above. I am truly blessed on all 5 levels of the maslow model...however, that top one...it just keeps calling to me. I need to do something more. I am tired of being bored at work. Extremely tired of spending more than half my day on the internet. I think I maybe did 2 hours of work today (in the office) and half of that was helping someone else out. I need more from my job then that. I need to feel useful, to have something to do, anything! I need to feel like I am using my $60,000 education! Feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. Or at least something that involves a few brain cells every once in awhile. I love a challenge, or a problem. I am a puzzle girl...I love to solve problems, in the most efficient way possible. Please, someone, give me something to solve!

I also have this overwhelming desire to design homes...maybe its time I look into that. I need to look outside my current profession to find something that will energize me, cause its not looking like things will change for awhile. I need more to my life then work, the gym and my roommates, as much as I love them. I need something that drives me, that will give me that feeling of satisfaction when its accomplished. Something with a deadline or a goal. Finding a way to combine the analytical part of my brain with the creative juices flowing in my veins is something I have always found challenging. I'm too much of a perfectionist to be truly fulfilled through my creativity but maybe its time I take that on as my problem. Maybe I will solve the battle within my mind. I think I have finally reached that stage where I have spent enough time enjoying my time off from school, that its time to get back to work on something. School was always satisfying to me, it was a challenge and something I could work towards...full of constat deadlines. I needed a break, and my mom suggested I wait at least 6 months before taking on my next project. Well I have to say, that as much as I thought I would enjoy no longer going to school AND working full-time, I have that itch again. Working full-time is not enough. Granted, if I had a more stressful job or one where I was required to put in more than 40 hours a week maybe it would be more then enough...but I don't. Rather...my mind, my experiences, my knowledge, my education, my drive, my self-discipline, my goals, my life...I feel like its all going to waste. There has to be more. Something more I can do. Something that gets me out of bed in the morning excited that I have a new day to face the challenges ahead of me. Something to engage my mind and soul. Something where my heart is involved.

Prayer Request

My grandpa Slonaker went in for double knee replacement surgery a few weeks ago. The plan was to recover for 2 weeks in a rehab facility while he regained his strength. However, once he was moved to the rehab center he had a stroke (or so they thought). It looks like now that it wasn't actually a stroke because he recovered so quickly...but that doesn't change the fact that something caused him to lose all function in his body, as well as speech. He was recovering and doing therapy again after the stroke, but a week later, this Sunday he had his legs propped up in a wheelchair and went to move them and tipped the chair backwards. Causing him to fall on his head. They have determined the accident caused a fracture in the vertabrea and therefore all his therapy has been halted. He has been placed in a neck brace and will be moved to Spokane on Friday to meet with a neuro-surgeon and discuss his options. Needless to say, this has been a difficult time for our family. My mom has spent a week in Colfax with them, but left Friday saying Grandma can hardly take care of herself let alone Grandpa also. Someone needs to be there with them most all the time. My aunts and uncles have been rotating visiting and my cousins came up from California to be there last weekend. It has been great the amount of time people have been able to spend there, but until Friday when my dad goes over to consult with the neuro-surgeon there is no family there. Grandpa had a hard enough time recovering from this surgery...we are not sure that his heart can handle another surgery so soon. Please pray that they will be able to help him without operating on his neck, that his body can handle this extra stress. And for all the family that is sick with worry and indecision over what we can do to help during this time.

My new favorite quote...

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies

Here we go...

Eight Things I'm Looking Forward To:

1. July reunion

2. trip to Little Rock once Jac moves

3. Zumba tonight

4. The office set up in my house

5. Visiting Europe in the spring

6. Watching Holly grow up

7. My brother moving to Idaho...please!?

8. My family moving to Idaho :)

Eight Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Went to church with 15 family members

2. Listened to my uncle speak at church

3. Jumped on the trampoline with Holly & Jackie

4. Grad party for my sister

5. Rode to Spokane w/J & H

6. Got on an airplane

7. BBQ'd with the roommates

8. Went to bed at 9:30...exhausted!

Eight Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Run

2. Sing

3. Design houses

4. Use my MBA

5. Travel more

6. swim, without fear

7. Live closer to family

8. Draw/paint

Eight Shows I Watch:

1. Grey's Anatomy

2. Private Practice

3. Friends - yes, I realize its not on anymore :(

4. Gilmore Girls

5. One Tree Hill

6. Full House, a long time ago :)

7. Trading Spaces...is that still on?

8. seriously, people watch this much tv?

Eight Favorite Fruits:

1. strawberries

2. kiwi

3. apples

4. pineapple

5. raspberries

6. peaches

7. blueberries

8. bananas

Eight Places to Visit:

1. Australia

2. New York

3. Italy

4. Ireland

5. Austria

6. Switzerland

7. England

8. Hawaii

Eight Places I've Lived:

1. Wenatchee

2. Nampa

3. Meridian

We'll see if I ever hit 8...

Eight People to Tag:

1. Stephanie 2. Katie 3. Carly 4. Jolleen 5. Nick 6. Sydney 7.Jessica 8. Reid